The reason Abbas-Mustan’s films were such a rage once upon a time, wasn’t for its storyline. We all remember having signed up for a campy drama with a dash of coolness, good-looking people, some twists and turns, only to ensure a good time. One look at Jewel Thief, and you would think that this drama ticks all the pointers from the checklist. It boasts of a debt-ridden boot-shaking gangster Rajan (Jaideep Ahlawat in the trashy Nawazuddin Siddiqui mode from Heropanti 2) who employs a thief Rehan (Saif Ali Khan) to steal a Red Sun diamond after black-mailing his family. You also are introduced to the gorgeous Farah (Nikita Dutta), essentially a caged character who is exploited by Rajan, only to be witnessed by her potential prince charming Rehan. And then there is a good-for-nothing cop Vikram, who always manages to be atleast ten steps behind Rehan, and contrary what he thinks of himself to be smarter than he actually is. The issue remains that when you put all these ingredients together in the OTT algorithm, the drama flattens out while exceeding its threshold for campiness!

If you look closely, each of the characters are offshoots of the far superior characters of Dhoom 2. So essentially – Rehan is Hrithik Roshan, Farah is Aishwarya Rai, Vikram is a toss-up between Abhishek Bachchan and Uday Chopra, and well Rajan tries to be intimidating but is still Uday Chopra at the heart of things. And by design, the film is Race 3 – people are tricking people, trashy twists are followed by more trashy twists, people are beaten to pulp (a smirky tribute to Pulp Fiction, lol no…not the film but the genre), and the cops, authorities, and viewers get dumber by the minute. The hook in the algorithm at the start involves Rajan smashing his accountant to pulp and using his blood to create a painting. Quite a messy start, something that is symbolic of the writing here. Elsewhere, a thief living a one-night strickened life internationally has to return to his root, a la SRK from Swades (2004), not because he loves his countryland but because he is blackmailed. His father remains Jayant (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) who in turn is an offshoot of the father-figure in Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar (1992), having to choose from one of the two sons as his favourite. There is also a blue-haired gamer who strangely plays an AI version of herself, in this meta-land that she is a part of. And then comes the heist – something that remains the worst nonsense that I have seen on Netflix since Nadaaniyan (2025)!

The problem with the writing is that it feels it is intelligent whereas in reality, it has an intellect of a peanut. The elaborate planning across two different locations is enough to tell you that ‘Everything Is…..Bullsh*t…..I Mean Everything Is Planned’. The proceedings almost play out like – oh-this-is-planned-but-wait-till-what-I-do to damn-you-did-this-but-hey-you-never-saw-this-coming. After a point, even the campiness is replaced by sheer stupidity, once during the first heist wherein the trap is laid for Rehan, until it is not. I couldn’t help but feel that the cops were a bunch of dim-wits who double up as tubelights only to glow after a few flickers. This, until the focus shifts from one location to another where the second heist is played out. And guess where that is? Up, up in the sky just like the plot of the film that has been smoked into thin air.

At this point in the film, the smartest object remained the peanut that was squashed in the aisle on a plane that was headed north. This, unlike the writing that further headed south. Picture this – Rehan has the pilot of the plane blackmailed in thin air, by coaxing him to divert the plane first to the Istanbul airport, and later in the central park in the middle of the city. So cool na? But why would he have him blackmailed in the plane, as opposed to doing the same on ground by asking Rajan’s men to do the needful. And this, while literally popping open Google Maps to show him the exact place to land. I chuckled and hard! The dumb cop characters even Internationally speaking, inexplicably suffer from the same symptoms as Vikram – they narrowly miss catching Rehan just like Rajasthan Royals who have been narrowly missing the finishing line in IPL’25. And the final face-off is even more hilarious with a character literally narrating a lion-wolf-rabbit anecdote before unleashing fury in a you-did-this-now-you-take-that kind of a finale that only had the viewers playing the guinea-pigs with a painted target on our foreheads, waiting for this algorithm-driven-trashy-nonsensical-piece-of-sh*t-experiment to end! And surprisingly, the best part of the film involved a-shake-a-leg Jaideep Ahlawat who did go viral with his dance moves. Well honestly, the film also has a potential of virality – which unfortunately will be self-inflicting for the viewers, mentally speaking. The screenplay is a wholesome mess, steer safe, steer clear!